ISALC, Lewis and Clark College

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Live As I Want by Akiko Dogakinai

When I entered high school, I really did not like to go and I always argued about going to school with my mother every morning at that time. "Mom, I don't want to go to school today." I said. Then, my mother said, "Why? Tell me why. I can't be convinced without an explanation. What's happened to you? I don't mean you must go to school. I never force you to go. But if you have some troubles there, please talk about them with me."

Whenever I heard my mother's words, I could not explain my problem to her because I believed that my feelings were too complex for her to understand; I was ashamed of not solving my own problems by myself. I had too many anxieties and helpless feelings. In Japan, we can choose our high school; however, to apply and enter the high school where we want to go, we are required to have certain grades that we got in junior high school and certain entrance test scores that the high school sets up. Therefore, we study hard to enter high school; otherwise, we cannot go to the high school of our choice. As Japan is an academic, career-oriented society, to go to high school and university of superior level gives us priority when we try to get a job.

My high school, Sapporo Kita High School, demanded the highest level of such requirements in my prefecture and was famous for its superior quality of students. I thought I should go to Sapporo Kita High School for my future and so I chose that school. I imagined if I went to that school, I would have to study harder to catch up with classes and students would be quite competitive about studying or going on to university, and they would have been only interested in schoolwork, not so much in other activities before entering the school. I hoped that this impression was not accurate. Actually, this was not accurate if I consider all my high school years. However, it was true for a few months at the beginning of high school. The students around me seemed superior to me and not friendly to each other. They never teased me or left me out of the group, however, I felt they did not try to understand each other. This feeling might have been exaggerated by my first image of school. But I had strong loneliness at that time. The worries that I had before entering high school became real; I felt like leaving school. It is natural that students do not have close friends at the beginning of school; however, the fact that I did not have such friends also enhanced these feelings. But I could not tell my feelings to my mother because I chose the school by myself.

One day, my mother took me to school to consult with my homeroom teacher. She was really worried about me but she did not have any idea what to do for me, as I did not try to share my feelings with her. Therefore, this attempt was her final resort. The teacher's name was Masao Tsuruki. He was short and not handsome, but he was warmhearted and his smile made us happy. He looks like Mr. Bean; however, his heart was fairly tolerant like Ms. Nightingale. As long as I knew him, he never got angry. He always thought about things by putting himself in students' position. Fortunately, he was also the homeroom teacher of my older brother several years ago. He knew my brother very well and, by talking about my brother, I had an affinity for him. I went to consult with him several times. He talked to me about his experience. When he was a student, he was not good at getting along with friends and he always felt lonely. He was even bullied by classmates. His experience was much harder than mine was and he taught me how he solved his problems.

At one meeting with him, he said to me, "Now you may have a little bit negative feeling. Everything around you changed when you entered this school. You may feel loneliness or be scared of new things. When I was a student, I always felt the same feeling like you. But remember, every other student is in the same situation as you are. They must have the same anxieties as you have. But don't blame yourself for being negative. As you can feel such sensitive feeling, you can understand people's feelings. It is a great thing as a human being. I have one more thing that I want you to say. You need not to try to assimilate new circumstances completely. And also, you need not to be an honor student. Just behave how you want. All you have to do is to change your attitude. Be yourself! But if you need help, please come to me. Or talk to your brother or mother. We all welcome you!"

I learned many precious things about my life from these words. First, he taught me the importance of changing my attitude. I had a narrow outlook and hesitated to make friends at school at that time. Everyone around me seemed superior to me and I had an inferiority complex all the time. After I heard the words, "change your attitude", I tried to change myself and realized that there was no need to be like them and I should live my own way. There was no need to compare myself with anyone. Now, to live my own way is my most important philosophy. Second, I learned the significance of talking about my problems with someone. Unless I talk about myself, no one can understand me. And if I talk about myself to my family or friends, they will always give me advice and I can even share my problems with them. Then I feel much better. Moreover, I sometimes find that every one has similar problems. I believed that I was able to solve every problem by myself, but now, my view is different. I learned if I need some help, I should ask someone. Finally, I realized that no one should be forced to live how people tell them and no one can be perfect. I think I had lost my way at that time. I should not have let myself be controlled by other people. However, I found that I am the only person who can decide my own way and "perfect" means different things to different people; if the person lives how he or she hopes to, the person is perfect. Perfect is flexible depending on the person.

There were many points Mr.Tsuruki and I could share and understand. The problems that we had were not the same but the basis of our feelings was quite similar. By talking with him several times, I knew how I could deal with my problems. Finally, I was able to enjoy my high school days. I made a lot of good friends and we held a class reunion every year. If I had not spoken with him and opened up about my feelings, I would not be here today. 

Created by: krauss@lclark.edu
Updated: 9/24/99