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by Aya Katayamagi |
ISALC, Lewis and Clark College
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by Aya Katayamagi |
I remember an experience which has really made a difference in my life. This experience showed me what confidence really means. That is very important to have a positive life. I don't remember how it started, but up to last summer for maybe more than three years, I didn't think that I had worth as a person. I had lost my self-respect and was obsessed by self-pity somehow. I was totally without an identity. I felt restless no matter what I did. I didn't care about anything. And the worst thing was, I hated myself. Some people gave me some advice to encourage me and to comfort me, but none of it worked out for me. But one day, I met a girl, brilliant and delightful, full of confidence. Although she didn't advise me, she was so enthusiastic about her dreams that it helped me change my poor image of myself and my sattitude toward life in a positive, aggressive way.
I got to know her through an international volunteer organization which exchanges students to help us understand more about nations and to make friends from all over the world. She went to Mexico for one year, while I, on the other hand, went to Turkey. We knew one another before these exchanges, but we didn't talk that much at that time. After the two of us came back to Japan, we started to talk about our experiences in foreign countries, about the bad times and good times, tough times and sad times, and about what we had learned through our year abroad. We could share all those feelings about our overseas stays and we enjoyed listening to each other's stories. At that time, I still had a hard time finding a piece of confidence inside of me though. And when I told her about myself, she listened to me, understood how I felt, but didn't try to comfort me as everybody else had done before. Instead, she talked about her hopes and dreams for her future, with her eyes dazzling. That's all that she did and I am quite sure that she didn't intended to lift me up by that; she just said what was on her mind. But that meant a lot more to me than words of comfort. I was impressed and shocked because I had never thought about myself doing something important. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to have confidence and find something to do with all my passion. I adored living that way. "You and I are now standing at the same point. Both of us have experienced the hardest and the most joyful year in foreign countries," she said one day. "We both learned so many things, not only language and culture." Yes, we learned how consideration and honesty are important. Especially when we are in unfamiliar places. She also said, " We are still young, we can do whatever we want. So just do it." After that time, we discussed our hopes and dreams over and over again. And I no longer felt that sad restlessness. I became able to accept that I have to trust myself, to live a positive life and to dream again. This was a huge change that impacted my entire life. Since then, every thing has changed in a good way.
I made up my mind to come to the United States to study after I started to consider my life again. But it wasn't very easy for me to decide. It is hard enough to leave friends. I was also anxious that my relationship with that special friend might change if we didn't see each other, and this thought made me hesitate to move into action. But since we took our time to discuss what we would do and achieve for our future, she said go and study. I knew that I would do so, either way. So I came to Portland, Oregon and of course now I can't see her. I miss her very much. We stay in touch through letters, e-mails and over the phone, and every single word of hers encourages and refills me with hope. I am very thankful about this and am proud to have such a great friend. She gave me strength and taught me the most important thing in life. But I didn't know what I have done for her. She says now she knows how precious friends are. She says that it was I who showed it to her. While I was affected by her and matured because of her, I affected her at the same time in some ways. It is amazing and I am very glad. It is not always words that heal or comfort people. Attitude can also be powerful enough to affect people, and it sometimes even changes one's life. Even perfect advice is just ineffective sounds if you don't recognize it. And you can take a chance or you can ignore it; it's all up to you. It is you who decides what to do. If you want something to change, you have to change first. Then things will change for you. It's scary to change yourself at the beginning, but it's much better than hanging on to one point and complaining to yourself. Waiting is lonely and such a waste of time. It makes nothing better for anybody. So you have to step out. And if you go off the path, then you'll see a different view. And you learn something from the difference. Then you can go back. The important thing is to recognize what is meaningful by yourself. Now I know what I am. I have recognized this and started again. I trust in myself and am going on with hope and a brilliant vision, just like her. All thanks to her. She is my savior and friend.
Created by: krauss@lclark.edu
Updated: 9/24/99