A Fear of Losing Someone or Something "Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing." (Scout at p. 18, To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee)
Photo taken from: http://library.advanced. org/12111/mbirdinst.html

Anonymous

Khalid Obaid	Fahad Al-Rajhi	Anonymous	Dai Ichikawa
	Anonymous

Dear Friend,

I can remember clearly the first day we met together. How can I forget when you were introduced to me by other friends. They all praised you to me. They insisted that I would enjoy your company. I didn't mind having your company; in fact, I found it very interesting being with you. I felt happy and joyful, yet when my parents saw me with you, for the first time, they got mad and it was the first trouble for being with you, since I met you eight years ago.

Thereafter, everybody knew we had become friends. We were more than friends. You accompanied me all the time and all the days. I couldn't go anywhere without you. When I wanted to visit someone, go to a restaurant or even travel, you were my buddy. I couldn't imagine how faithful and loyal you were. I really enjoyed your company. I was proud and confident in front of others if they saw me with you, because I felt that I was a man and worldly . I thought we would never separate, and why would we?!

Yet, four years later, I realized that you're double-faced. I realized the other ugly face you have. You never told me about it. Some close friends had told me before that you weren't faithful as I thought, but I didn't believe them or rather wouldn't believe them. I was still enjoying your company, but I couldn't stand it when you showed me your ugly face and I couldn't force you to hide it from me because you don't have this ability.

I was confused and I didn't know what to do. Besides the enjoyment of being with you, I was suffering from this relationship. I felt tired and weak. I thought about breaking this relationship but how could I break it? How could I stand it without you? How could I live without you? How could I spend my time alone and far from you? I was really addicted to you.

Finally, after long deliberation, I decided to get rid of you. It was a hard decision to make, but I made it. You didn't ask me why and you didn't mind. You kept silent, watching me suffering again, but this time from not being with you. I was lonely with boredom. Every minute that went by, I was thinking of you. I wanted you just for a while, just for a minute, but I didn't because I had to struggle in order to kick you. Some friends told me I had to stand and resist, and I tried but I couldn't. I finally failed. After just ten days of struggle, I found my self collapsing between your hands. You met me again with silence as you left me with silence. You knew I'd be back anyway. You knew I couldn't stand it without you, because you knew you were stronger than me.

Days and years have gone by and we are still friends as usual. You can't live with one face and I can't live with both. I damn the day that I met you, and you don't care. I damn the friends who introduced you to me, and you don't care. I began to hate you more than hating anything else. You're hateful, horrible, disgusting and a murderer. I know you want me dead, but you want me to die slowly. You want me to suffer all kinds of torment before I die, and you still don't care. I'm not the only one on the earth who will pass away through you. Millions of people around the world are also suffering. Thousands of deaths every day from people who keep your company, and you still don't care.

One day, sooner or later, I will kick you again. That time it will be forever. I'm preparing for that day. I'll show you who is stronger, I promise....

Your close enemy,

Khalid Obaid

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Dear $5000 Ticket:

Ticket, you don't know what happened to me when you were around me. You didn't care about me but I cared about you because if I didn't care about you, I would get in big trouble. I know that it was a big mistake when I was going very fast in my car and I had an international driver's license. I wasn't lucky when the police saw me then caught me and gave me your ugly face because he said that I had to have an Oregon driver's license.

Ticket, do you think that I was comfortable when you were with me, and do you think that you were holding my head up, and do think that I was welcoming you? Of course the answer is no. Ticket, you know that you that you brought fear to me; before I met you, I didn't know what fear was and I didn't know that fear comes from your kind.

Ticket, I thought you were not so important; I thought you were just a name. According to my country, which is Saudi Arabia, you are nothing but a piece of paper. I can forget about you because you are not so expensive, and if you are so expensive I can delete or discount your price if I know your Boss ( the judge or the officer who is in charge of the ticket). I could pay your price because you would be near my family and they would give me money to pay your expensive price.

Ticket, when American people told me about you, I realized that you are so important, and I realized that you have the power to affect my reputation and you have the power to put me in jail.

Ticket, I failed some of my classes because of you, and I was every single day thinking about you, even when I was attending class and even if I was with my friends. I was thinking when would you leave me alone, and take the fear from me.

Ticket, it was the day that I would face your Boss. It was the day that all fear came to me when I was facing your Boss. Also I was asking myself is the judge going to leave you with me, or is he going to take you away from me, and is he going to require me to pay your entire price or not? After a moment your Boss told me that maybe I would pay your entire price and maybe I would stay up to one year in jail. So I told him that I wanted an attorney, and then he said ok, and that I had to come next month with the attorney.

Ticket, you don't know how hard I struggled to get rid of you, and I did every thing to get you out of my life. Finally, I came to the court again with my attorney. Your Boss found me not guilty for failure to carry and present a driver's license. It was the moment that I thanked God and my attorney because they took you out of my life and it was the moment that I felt like the happiest man in the world.

Ticket, I know that you can't hear me and I know that you can't see me, but if you could hear me, and you could see me, you would know about my feeling and you would know how I was afraid of you, and you would apologize to me with all your heart because the things that you did to me weren't kind at all.

Ticket, finally, I am struggling a lot to go away from your way, and I hope that you don't come near my side again because your side is the fearful side.

Fahad

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Dear Death,

Death, I have not seen you since I was 17 years old. Actually, you have not made me so desperate and disorientated yet, although many people are suffering from your existence and you still make us afraid. But I will write to you because I am sure that you are going to take my parents, my brother and a lot of important people from me. However, I don't hate you now, and I don't feel that your existence is meaningless. Do you think that I am strange or crazy? I do not hate you the one whom most people hate. But this is true, and I want to write you about why I feel this way and what made me think so.

When I was about 6 years old, you took my grandfather from us. It was the first time that we met each other, wasn't it? I could remember that my relatives were all in sorrow and so depressed. I couldn't realize that you did such a thing because I was very young and I actually did not know very well what happened to my grandfather. I could not actually remember my grandfather's character, but I felt a little lonely then. That is what you did for us. Death, why do you always emerge suddenly and make us cry and be sorrowful? I have been thinking about you for a long time. Who are you? Why do you exist?

Also, you were about to take my mother's life from us. Can't you remember? My mother always nagged us and sometimes made my family upset, but she was always nice to people and I feel that she was a very kind person, although she always tried to behave as if she were not so sensitive but strong. When I left Japan for England at 16 years of age, she tried not to cry in front of me and her face got a little strange. One year after I came back to Japan, she told me that she had cancer. At that time, she did not know how bad it was and told me that she might die if it was really bad. Then, I felt as if time stopped and I could not move. My body got stiff and her words made me feel as if an electric shock were going through my muscles and it stunned me for a moment. I was totally disoriented although I thought that her cancer was not so severe. Then, I could feel my body was losing energy and naturally I sat down on my bed. Fortunately, the cancer was the initial stage, and my family was relieved as if we had been revived by god. I thought, "You are such a curse!" However, I did not start to hate you, and I felt that you have been always with us since we were born. No one can escape from you and you have no mercy at all.

It seems like you don't care about anything but leading people to death and you are evil. But from another point of view, I know you might be considered very kind to us because you tell us reality from which we cannot escape and then, we can build up our own truth in this world. However, in every day life, people tend to forget what reality is and we deceive ourselves. We may try to do it unconsciously. Consequently, we try to keep on making ourselves busy and try not to think deeply about our lives. Then, suddenly you come to us and make us come back to reality. You may be mean if I think about it, but because of your existence, we can be happy and enjoy ourselves more because things are usually divided in two things, positive and negative. Though we usually consider that you are negative, we cannot find positive things if there are not any negative things. Thus, your existence is not meaningless, and sometimes you make people have solid minds, One of my best friends was a person realized this from you.

When I was 17 years old, the father of my best friend died. His father was always so nice to me and I liked to listen to him because he was an intelligent person and had a lot of interesting stories. Of course, his stories were sometimes boring because of the generation gap between him and us, and although he sometimes tried to catch up with our generation, he sometimes made a mistake in spite of his intelligence. For example, he gave my best friend a present for his birthday, which was really popular among our generation. However, he made an embarrassing mistake about which brand it was. We laughed, but he never got angry and laughed at himself as well. He was so nice to us that we liked to talk to him. However, my friend's father died suddenly, and my friend told me later that he had not recognized what circumstance he was in at that time. I was also downhearted. You made him so desperate that he did not talk to me for a few days. Later, he told me that he had been crying. Nevertheless, he added, "I feel that I grew up after my father's death."

Well, what do you think? Despite your hated existence, at least one person grew up due to you. I don't know what you are trying to do. Do you really want people to get into the ocean called "Sorrow"? Or, do you want to help people to grow up, paying self-abnegation? I know that you well never answer me, so I can never know. However, I want to tell you something. Whatever you intend, you do make people grow up and think about their own lives, which is invaluable. Because of your existence, we can feel happiness and can understand why we live, and you tell us when generations pass. I think that you are doing valuable things that we can admire. We have been dying since we were born and time never stops. These are things that you told me through my life. I am able to know how valuable our life is and how to spend it because of you.

You may not be negative and I am not afraid of you because I have always tried to live my way which never makes me regretful. I learned it from you. No one likes you, but you may be a teacher in life. I am not sure when I will meet you next time. It is inevitable to meet you some time, but as I learned from you, I will never live in fear of you even if you take my dearest people from me, and even if you make me be in the middle of a "Sorrow" storm. I don't like you very much, but I will never hate you.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear A6M ZERO,

Hey, how are you doing? OK? Me? I'm fine. I'm fine. I have been happy ever since that day. That day made me happy. You are hungry, huh? Whenever you are hungry, please tell me. I'll fill you with your favorite drink. Hey, tomorrow, I will go shopping downtown with my friends. You can go with me, can't you? I really want you to go with me because I have shared my life with you.

One day, I noticed a strange mood in my life. At first, I didn't understand what happened. I had gone out my room and I was standing in front of the back door of Odell Hall. I was holding a cigarette between my lips, but something was strange. I fumbled in the pockets of my overcoat for you. Yes, I had lost my beloved you. I couldn't believe it and then, I was very disappointed. I thought that the world had just stopped. I hurried to my room to find you. I kept trying to find you for about 30 minutes, inside some drawers of my desk, under my bed, inside many pockets of my pants and jackets, and so on. However, I could not find you. "Where the f_ _ _ is my beloved Zippo lighter?" I began to lose control. To calm myself down, I went out from my room and smoked a cigarette outside using a disposable lighter. However, I couldn't be satisfied.

I met you by chance in Los Angeles in June, 1996. That was a very sunny and hot day. I was walking on the street and all of a sudden I felt something and stopped in front of that shop which soon would be your ex-home. I entered that shop and I saw you in a glass case. I fell in love with you at first sight. You were wearing a nice shirt on which was printed a picture of A6M ZERO. You belonged to the Vintage Aircraft Series of Zippo lighters. The picture was drawn a very beautiful white and the background was drawn with some clouds, so it was as if you were flying in the sky. A6M ZERO was very similar to the real one, which was one of the greatest Japanese aircraft at the time of World War II. Just then, I thought of the fact that I was studying in the U.S., but about fifty years ago, Japanese and Americans were trying to kill each other. I had come to the U.S. a month before I met you. I was studying in the U.S. very peacefully after that sad history. I thought that I shouldn't forget that many young soldiers had died, and I shouldn't forget the Japanese soul, this was not negative, but positive thinking. I thought that I should have good friendship with many international people and share the peaceful world. So, I felt that I wanted to live with you in the U.S.

Since then, I had been carrying you all the time. You accompanied me when I went back to Japan and returned to the U.S. When I went out to play with my friends, to have a date with my girlfriend, to gamble in Japan, you were there. You had a strong mystic power for gambling. I was smoking in many of my favorite places with you. You were watching the history of my life.

About two months, I spent my life without you. These days were very melancholy and boring. When I lighted a cigarette, I always felt sorry for you. I felt as if I had lost one of my body parts. I was reminded a lot of my happy memories with you: sitting on the beach in Japan, walking in New York City, playing mah-jongg in my friend's house. The sadness pricked my heart very much. However, gradually, I started to give up finding you. I thought that I had left you in a coffee shop or somewhere else. I thought it was impossible to find you. There was rain in my heart.

However, the sunny days returned to me all of a sudden. That day was also ordinary as usual since I had lost you. I was going to go shopping with my Japanese friends. It was a rainy and warm day, so I wore a rain jacket which I hadn't worn for more than two months. I was very sad when I left my room because I couldn't go shopping with you any more. That rain jacket had a very small inside pocket. As I walked in the hallway in my residence hall, I touched something in that pocket. When I touched it, I realized what it was. My sweet lover, you showed your face to me. "Oh, my goodness!!" My hope, pleasure and energy welled up from the tip of toes to the crown of my head. I was very glad. Happiness surrounded us. I could hear flowers and birds singing like in a Disney movie. I shared my pleasure with you that we met again.

Now we have lived together more than a year and a half. I have shared my happy time and sad time with you. Hey, let's go out to smoke a cigarette. You are in very good condition and very energetic, now. You are one strong wind proof mother f_ _ _ _ _ !!

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Dear Mr. Trainer,

Have you ever thought about the feeling of losing something important to you? The feeling of losing something important is hard to explain. Sometimes it leads us to a type of spiritual coma.

When you were training me as a soldier, I was worried extremely about losing my memory of my life, such as my name, my family, my lover, my friends, and all my experiences because your training made me so simple. My knowledge, my experiences and my sense of values were completely ignored. All I had to do was obey orders. The first two months of your training was only hard physical training, but it also made me worry about losing my memories.

This feeling was really hard to resist. Sometimes I thought that if I lost my memory, my life also would be lost. It meant the loss of all I had at that time. So I tried to remember my address and the names of all whom I knew every night before I fell asleep. People tend to think that keeping one's memory is natural. But if you happen to be in a special situation that makes you lose your memory, your worry about losing your memory will change to a love for memory. One's memory is, like air, accepted as not an important thing until it is in danger of being lost.

Maybe you are thinking of me as silly. Mr. Trainer, first, I'd like to confess about my thinking of you as a monster which eat one's memories. I know it was your responsibility to do so because sometimes complex memories make soldiers weak and they forget their responsibilities. But when I met you first, you just seemed to me a memory-eating monster. You were really a monster.

Can you remember the very first time we met? Maybe you can't remember because you were just doing your so-called daily work. But it was really an awful time for me. You made me think so. Your first order to me was, "Forget everything which you have got before coming into the army." What a terrible order it was for me! At that time, I suddenly realized that it might be possible for me to lose all my memories.

Mr. Trainer, can you remember what your second order was ? It was to send back all my possessions to my home along with my memories of them. Then you cut my hair. I felt my memories went out of my brain with my hair. Even though I took it for granted that my hair would be in the army, at that time, you put me in a totally dark space which I sometimes imagined would come at the end of my life.

After that you trained me very hard from dawn to late at night. Physical training was especially hard , so I couldn't have time to think about my life. The only thing I had to think about was how I could shoot those targets or how I could finish this 10 Km of running in an hour. Sometimes sweat flew into my eyes and it made tears. You even didn't give me time to clean my eyes. How could I think about my life in that situation!

Mr. Trainer, actually I didn't lose my memory, but it was my worry. And I became a soldier thanks to your training. Sometimes I smile at this memory. Twelve years have already passed. My memory about my army days has become dim. Maybe all the memories will be gone except you. It's an irony, isn't it? You ate my memory, but I remember you stronger than any other thing.

Hey! Are you eating someone's memory at this moment, memory- eating monster?

Sincerely,

Your ex-victim.

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Created by: krauss@lclark.edu
Updated: 12/25/07