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Tribal Hunting Student Files |
Hickory Dickory Doc.
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one, but the other two escaped with only minor injuries.
A suit was filed on contingency fee on the next day.
—Audie Huber
Selected Crime Beat Reports
By Campus Safety (as embellished by school mascot Audie Huber)
December 16, 1998
A section of wall behind a vending machine in Bodine was damaged, apparently by someone rocking the machine back and forth, possibly because the machine did not vend its merchandise properly. Could be the machine was just jammin’ to the groove.
December 17, 1998
Graffiti was discovered in the men’s bathroom at Boley Law Library. The graffiti stated “Turn off the technical gadgetry and think,” “Who is paying the fees and who is serving who in formal education?” and “Is greed the #1 value in American society?”. Considering that messages of this nature, and in this handwriting, have appeared on walls all over campus for quite some time, and considering the poor grammar, it is suspected that the perpetrator is a frequent visitor but is likely not an English major. Due to the extensive time these inscriptions have been occurring, Campus Safety is examining whether the culprit may be a tenured professor. Perhaps it’s a financially challenged professor who has been denied a cost of living increase, lost his/her parking spot, and can’t for the life of him/her understand computers.
A radio/cassette player and a CD player were taken from a student’s vehicle earlier in the week. The student’s car was parked in the Copeland lot. In an unrelated story, PILP will be auctioning off radio equipment this year.
December 18, 1998
Fudge was smashed between the cover and the glass copying surface of the copy machine in the Counseling/Psychology area causing damage to the internal workings of the machine. The child who was responsible for the incident kept hitting copy, but no fudge was coming out. She stated “Well, it worked in Star Trek.” The copy machine is currently in therapy due to the resultant psychological trauma.
February 2, 1999
A resident of Copeland became nauseous after being kicked in the head at tae kwon do class and was transported to OHSU by private vehicle. Moral of this story: duck.
A law student attempted to buy opera tickets offered for sale on Notices by another student. The law student gave the other student a check for four tickets. The other student then told the law student that he could only get her three tickets for the same price. The law student declined and asked for her money back but the other student cashed her check. The law student never took possession of any tickets.
This incident proves three things: 1) common sense is the least common of all senses, 2) pay more attention in contract law, and 3) if you're going to scalp tickets, law students are just as gullible as everyone else.
February 7, 1999
A fire extinguisher was discharged in Copeland E Wing, setting off the fire alarm.
In case of fire do not use elevator. Use water.
A male subject has been calling occupants of Copeland, telling them he has been referred by friends to deliver 'fantasy messages' of various sorts and asking for personal information and phone numbers of other friends.
For a good time, call Dean Huffman, 503-768-6620
February 8, 1999
The Copeland F30 wing couch was stolen sometime over the weekend prior. The couch was a relic from the McCarthy era, and the EPA had been researching whether it should be designated a Superfund site. No tears were shed for this couch.
Someone gained access to the math department on the third floor of Bodine and then accessed an upcoming math test on a math professor's computer. Everyone who gets an A will be suspended.